


PRIDE

by Ava_now



Series: Barisi Dads AU [14]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Assault, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Kidfic, Loving Marriage, M/M, Outing, Pride, Pride Parades, Social Issues, rainbows and glitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: He watched his hand, almost hypnotically, then continued.  “I started looking to transfer the next week.  But it followed me--the rumors did, anyway, I think, until I got to Manhattan.  I don’t know if the guys in Manhattan heard that crap or not.  Liv doesn’t run her squad that way and would never have tolerated Amaro or Fin, or even Rollins, coming at me with that.”  Finally meeting his husband’s gaze, he said, “It was embarrassing.  Humiliating, really.  I didn’t want you to know...that’s why I never told you.”Rafael pulled Sonny’s head to him, pressing it to his chest over his heart.  “Mi soleado,” he said quietly, “you have nothing to be embarrassed or humiliated by.  I’m so proud of you, baby.  I’m so honored to be your husband.”  They lay there quietly, listening to one another’s breathing, until they finally fell asleep.****OR:  Sonny and Rafael decide it's time for Marlene to attend her first Pride parade.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Dads AU [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541101
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	PRIDE

**Author's Note:**

> TW: homophobia; homophobic language and actions; discussions of homosexuality and homophobia
> 
> Please be aware of the trigger warnings for this fic. There is some homophobic language that plays heavily into the plot, as well as extended discussions on homophobia and homophobic experiences.
> 
> Thank you for reading! This one is a little intense but I think I really like it. I've just finished revising and editing, so hopefully the finished product is enjoyable for you!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for the kudos and comments! I love hearing from you guys and getting your feedback on everything, as well as discussing little bits of the story more. Enjoy!

“Hey Daddy! Wookit my wainbow dress Papi gotted for me!” Marley ran into the living room, then twirled in front of him. “Do you wike it? Papi says it’s for the parade next weekend!” 

“Well look at you!” Sonny stopped reading and put his book down. “You’re going to be the princess of the parade, aren’t you! Still gonna help me bake the rainbow cake for dessert?”

She spun a couple more times around. “Uh-huh! Can we have some lavender in it for Papi?”

“Usually it’s just purple, mija,” Rafael told her, settling into the recliner. “Do you like the dress?”

“I WOVE it! I’m gonna be the princesa of pride!” she giggled, then set about spinning some more.

Rafael watched his little girl, smiling. “I can’t believe Deb is throwing a cookout after the parade,” he commented. “Your parents have come a long way.”

“Eh, they just love you is all.” Sonny opened his arms to Marley, who climbed in his lap. “You won ‘em over with your incredible personality and dazzling smile.”

Rafael snorted. “They thought I single-handedly converted you for awhile, remember that?”

“What’s con--, conver--” Marley struggled to get it out, making a face as she tried.

“Converted,” Sonny said. “Papi is trying to be funny, baby. When Daddy and Papi first started dating each other, before we got married, your Grampy and Grammy didn’t think it was a good idea.”

“Why?” Marley looked confused. “You and Papi wove each other.”

Sonny glanced at Rafael, who gave a slight nod. “Well, dolly, I think they wanted me to marry a lady instead of a man. Some people feel very strongly that way, that only men and women should be married.”

Marley looked even more confused. “Wike Aunt Bella and Uncle Tommy? That’s nice, but you wove Papi, not some wady. Didja wove a wady?”

Sonny shook his head. “Not then. At that time I loved your papi, and he loved me. Before we got married, Papi and I both dated other people. Some of those people were men and some of them were women, but in the end we decided we loved each other and wanted to be married.”

“And make that promise like Papi said, that you only marry one person, wight?” she asked, “But why tan’t you marry a man, Daddy? What’s wrong with that?”

“We don’t think anything is wrong with that, princesa,” Rafael spoke up. “Daddy and I think you should be able to marry whoever you love and who wants to marry you. And it’s okay, Grammy and Grampy changed their minds.”

“Well thank goodness!” Marley burst into a loud belly laugh. “They were SO mixed up, huh Daddy? Didja tell your momma and daddy they were so mixed up? That’s SO funny!!!” She lay her head back against Sonny’s shoulder, laughing. “Hey Papi, good thing Abuelita didn’t get mixed up, huh? SHE knows you tan marry who you want, wight?”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other quietly. They’d been waiting for a time to explain homosexuality to their daughter, a time that made sense when she asked her own questions. But so far, she hadn’t. It was part of the reason they’d decided this was the year to take her to the parade. They wanted her to be exposed to more people and to start to understand the tenuous rights they were still fighting for. So hesitantly, Rafael continued. “Actually, mija, Abuelita wanted me to marry a woman as well for a long time. I think she wanted that because she wanted me to be a papi. And for a long time, people weren’t allowed to adopt children if they were gay.”

Now the little girl sat up. She knew the word “adopted’--they’d used it her entire life, and there had never been a secret regarding how they became a family. “What’s gay, Papi? And why you tan’t have tids like me?” Suddenly looking frightened, she turned to Sonny. “Nobody’s gonna take me away, wight Daddy? I get to stay here, wight?”

“Of course, honey.” He hugged her tight. “Papi is talking about many years ago, before you were born, when we were both young adults. Gay people, that’s a word used to describe men who love men or women who love women. For a long time, people said it was wrong for men like me and Papi to love each other, and sometimes people were very mean. Even now, sometimes the rules aren’t the same for homosexual couples--that’s a couple with a man and a man, or a couple with a woman and another woman. And that’s not okay. That’s what pride is about. We have pride to celebrate how we can get married now, and be together now, and that some of the rules have changed to be fair. And we also have it to remember we have to keep working until ALL the rules are fair. Understand?”

“I think so,” she said thoughtfully, “but nobody’s gonna take me away, wight?”

Rafael got up from his chair and sat by Sonny’s feet, catching his daughter’s hands in his own. “No ma’am,” he said firmly but with a smile. “You are OUR mija. OUR princesa, dolly, OUR Marley Mae. We have so much to celebrate at pride time, because people fought hard to make sure guys like me and Daddy could be daddies to sweet little babies like you.”

She nodded, smiling widely. “I wike those people, Papi. Pride is so tool, isn’t it?”

Sonny laughed. “Yeah, dolly, it is.”

***

“Okay, stir up your batter,” Sonny directed Marlene as they worked on the rainbow cake they were taking to the cookout. “What color is this layer gonna be?”

“Green!” she exclaimed, stirring the food coloring into the batter. “This is gonna be SO good, Daddy! Yum!”

“Okay, let’s move on to this one...which will be..?”

“Yellow!” The two stirred and put the cakes into the pans, finishing just as Rafael arrived at home with takeout.

“Hola, my two favorite loves,” he greeted, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Marley’s cheek, and then standing and kissing his husband on the mouth. “This looks interesting!”

“Yeah, Papi!” Marlene said excitedly. “We gotted our layers made and then tomorrow we make the icing, wight Daddy?”

“Yes!” Sonny confirmed, then patted her on the behind. “Go wash your hands so you’re ready for dinner...I think Papi brought home pasta!”

“Papi did bring home pasta,” Rafael confirmed, handing the bag off and heading to the bedroom to change. Sonny set up everything for dinner, and a few minutes later they were eating.

Partway through their pasta, Marlene asked, “Hey guys? When I grow up will I be a faggot wike you?”

Out of shock, Rafael responded sharply, “Excuse me?”

Sonny looked from his husband, whose eyes were large in shocked anger, to his daughter, whose eyes were large in shocked surprise. “Dolly, where did you hear that word?”

“What word?” Marley’s face began to crumple. “At prestool, Devon said we go to pride ‘tause you guys are faggots. That’s what it’s called when there’s two dads, wight?” Her bottom lip was quivering as she looked back and forth between her fathers.

Before Sonny could speak, Rafael said, “No. That is NOT right. Faggot is an ugly word for somebody who is homosexual. I don’t ever want to hear you say that word again, Marlene. Entiendes? Papi means it.”

She nodded, sniffling. “Lo siento, Papi. I didn’t mean it! I won’t say it again.” She began to push her pasta around on her plate slowly and her bottom lip was trembling. Sonny knew that, more than just about anything, Marley hated disappointing Rafael. Even if his husband couldn’t see it at the moment, he could.

“It’s okay, dolly,” Sonny said, and he reached over and patted her back. “We know you didn’t know what that word meant. Papi and I know you won’t say it again.” The little girl turned to him, pressing her face into his chest, and he reached over and picked her up, moving her to his lap. A second later the sound of soft sobbing was coming from their daughter. Sonny continued to pat her back and comfort her, shooting a look at his husband.

Rafael watched them silently, laying his silverware down.  _ What the hell, Rafi? She has no idea what that means. She’s never called you a fag. Get angry with the people who deserve it, not the four-year old who loves you!  _ Sonny’s expression didn’t escape him either; it was telling him to fix this, no matter how difficult it was for him.

“Mija,” he said shakily, “will you let Papi hold you for a minute? I want to talk to you.”

Marley turned toward him, big green eyes brimming with tears, and nodded. Sonny passed her over to Rafael, who snuggled her close. She immediately pressed her face into his chest. “Lo siento, Papi. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

“It’s okay, princesa,” he said, stroking her hair gently. “I’m sorry that I got so upset. It’s just that people have called me that ugly word before, and it hurt me and made me angry. When I heard you say it, it upset me very much. But that’s not your fault. You didn’t know it was an unkind word. Now you do, and I know you won’t say it again.”

“No, I won’t,” she agreed, looking at him. “But Papi, why do people say that word about you? Why do they say it about the parade people? The parade is good, wight? Why do people say ugly things about it?”

“I don’t know, mija,” he sighed, trying to figure out how to explain homophobia to a four-year old. “But people sometimes are afraid of people who are different from them. For a long time, it wasn’t okay to be gay. Gay people couldn’t do the same things as everyone else. People made fun of us. We were treated differently. But now that is starting to change. That’s another important part of pride...that we remember to be proud of who we are. This is very important, honey...I want you to remember that different doesn’t mean bad, and that we should be proud of who we are. Entiendes?”

She nodded. “I’m happy that...that you and Daddy are proud. Can I be proud too?”

Sonny tugged on a braid. “Of course you can. We want you to be proud of who you are, too.”

“And mija,” Rafael met her eyes again, “Papi’s sorry for snapping at you. I’m very sorry. It wasn’t your fault, okay?”

“It’s otay, Papi. I forgive you.” Marley wrapped her arms around his neck. “You’re my bestest papi who teaches me important stuff. I wove you always.”

He hugged her back tightly, thankful that children are so forgiving.

***

Sonny jumped onto the bed next to Rafael. “Wanna make out?”

Rafael chuckled and put his book down. “That’s how you want to spend your evening with me?”

Sonny chuckled himself, then kissed his husband’s forehead. “Sounds so much better than what we both know is going to happen.” He lay a hand on Rafael’s stomach, rubbing gently for a few minutes, then began talking. “The first time anyone called me a faggot I was fourteen. I was taking ballet classes to improve my skills for baseball--footwork, flexibility, all that stuff. My coach thought it would help, and you know, at that age, baseball was everything. Well, that and girls…” Sonny laughed softly at the memory. “Some guys saw me coming out of the studio and made fun of me. They carried on about it at school for a couple of days, saying I was a fag and whatnot. I think the coach heard about it because next thing I know, he calls me out in front of everyone in gym class, announcing how much my skills had improved because I was taking ballet, and I was gonna do great the next year. A week later, three other guys were in class with me.” Smiling, he looked at Rafael, whose own smile looked forced. “I’m guessing your first experience with it didn’t end as well.”

Rafael sighed heavily. “I wasn’t gifted in sports like you, Sonny. My dad would’ve loved you. I couldn’t hit a ball if it was three feet away and aimed at my bat.” He snorted. “The first time wasn’t anything memorable. Nor were the multiple times Papi used it against me--although he was creative with it, using it in multiple languages and in a variety of settings. That was always fun.” He snorted again. “The time I remember most was at Harvard.” He paused for a minute. “A group of us went to a gay nightclub in Boston for the evening. There were about six or seven of us, guys and girls. The club was new and was supposed to be fun. Rita was with me. We drank and danced and had a good time...I even met this guy that I thought was nice. We had danced and shared a drink. He’d kissed me and I kissed him back. Good time, right? She and I left earlier than the rest of the group to head back, and on the way to the train we were mugged. Like literally a block from the train.”

Sonny’s hand grew still. “You’ve never mentioned this.”

Rafael shrugged. “It was quick. Three guys with ski masks on came out of nowhere. We handed everything over, and I thought that was it. But just as they were about to take off, one of ‘em turns around, pulls his cap off and punches me in the gut. It was the guy I had met. And the last thing he says to me as he’s running away with our shit? ‘Faggot.’” Rafael shook his head. “And here’s the even more ironic part. During that part of my life, the only person I was having sex with was Rita. I wasn’t even doing it with a man. This guy was the first guy I’d kissed in months.”

Rafael expected to hear his husband laugh, or chuckle, or at least snort. Instead, the room was oddly quiet. When Rafael looked at Sonny, his eyes diverted from Rafael’s and he lay there quietly, and suddenly Rafael knew this conversation was taking a very different turn.

Sonny continued to stroke Rafael’s stomach, perhaps gathering courage, until he could speak. “When I was in homicide,” he began quietly, “I got semi-outed. I had been on a couple casual dates with a guy, and we stopped by the store to pick up some stuff to cook at my place. One of the unis I worked with saw me there and told other people. A few days later, one of the guys came up to me and asked me if I was a fag. He was aggressive and had years on the force, and everyone was watchin’, so I laughed it off and said no, hell no. And he laughed and said that was good, ‘cause it would be hard to have the back of someone who took it up the ass.” He watched his hand, almost hypnotically, then continued. “I started looking to transfer the next week. But it followed me--the rumors did, anyway, I think, until I got to Manhattan. I don’t know if the guys in Manhattan heard that crap or not. Liv doesn’t run her squad that way and would never have tolerated Amaro or Fin, or even Rollins, coming at me with that.” Finally meeting his husband’s gaze, he said, “It was embarrassing. Humiliating, really. I didn’t want you to know...that’s why I never told you.”

Rafael pulled Sonny’s head to him, pressing it to his chest over his heart. “Mi soleado,” he said quietly, “you have nothing to be embarrassed or humiliated by. I’m so proud of you, baby. I’m so honored to be your husband.” They lay there quietly, listening to one another’s breathing, until they finally fell asleep.

***

Rafael bent over and shook his head one more time, trying to get a little more of the glitter off of him before he entered his in-law’s house.

“Papi!” Marlene squealed, “You got so much glitter everywhere! You’re a sparkly prince! And you too, Daddy! You guys are even as sparkly as me!” She was laughing hard, delighted, and Sonny couldn’t help but laugh at her laughter.

“I hate to imagine all the places I’m gonna be finding this stuff,” Rafael said to Sonny as he tried dusting off his arms.

“Funny, I love to imagine all the places you’re gonna be finding that stuff,” Sonny teased, elbowing him in the ribs, and Rafael snorted before Sonny kissed him.

“Is that a glittery pride princess I see on my lawn?” Deb stepped onto the front porch and held her arms out for her granddaughter, and Marley didn’t waste a minute.

“Grammy! We had so much fun! There were wots of people and everyone was so happy ‘tause they were proud of who they are! And we gotted covered in glitter so we’re sparkly! And see my dress? Papi gotted me a wainbow dress for today! An’ see my face? Daddy let them paint my face for me an’ it’s so pretty! An’ we had so much fun! Do you wike my dress?” She spun around, and Deb laughed.

“I love your dress, Marley! And you all three are glittery, sparkly souls today, aren’t you? Are you hungry? Everyone’s in the backyard eating and playing, including your cousins...are you ready?”

“Yeah!” Marley plowed past her, heading toward the backyard, and Deb held out her arms for Rafael.

“Come on, give your ol’ mother in law a hug,” she said, and he embraced her with a smile. “It’s good to see you, Papi,” she teased, kissing his cheek. “Love the glitter!”

He laughed. “I bet you do. We’ll all be dealing with it for months!”

Sonny stepped up for his turn to hug, wrapping one arm around his mother. “And here’s the cake. That’s edible glitter on there...Marley wanted it to be sparkly too.”

“Nothing wrong with a little sparkle!” Deb led them into the house and headed to the kitchen to put the cake down. “You boys can go on out back with everyone...everything’s out there and people are eating whenever the urge strikes.”

“Ooh, my urge is striking,” Sonny nudged Rafael. “How ‘bout you?”

“Oh yeah,” he replied, “I think I could find the urge.”

They entered into the backyard, full of family and friends. Marley was chasing a couple of her older cousins in circles. People were scattered on the picnic benches and in various lawn chairs. There was sidewalk chalk and bubbles being used by a few of the younger children, and a group of older kids were huddled together on their phones. Sonny’s dad Dom was flipping burgers on the grill, and he made his way to him. “Hey Pop,” Sonny side-hugged his dad. “How are the burgers today?”

His dad grinned. “Judging from the way they’re disappearing, I’d say pretty good. I see you guys are coming from the parade, eh?”

“Yeah. Marley’s first one. She had a great time.” He turned to watch his little girl and smiled.

His dad flipped a couple of burgers, then turned his attention back to Sonny. “I’m sure she did. She loves glitter and rainbows, doesn’t she?” They both laughed, and then his dad took a more serious tone. “You guys explain it to her? What it’s about?”

Sonny nodded. “Yeah. We did. It’s a big concept and she’s trying to figure it out. Not homosexuality so much, but homophobia...she doesn’t understand it.”

His dad shook his head. “I’m sorry that she has to. I wish we lived in a world where all of my children could love who they wanted without repercussion.” Dom looked past Sonny to see Rafael kneeling in the grass, talking to his daughter. “You’ve built yourself a beautiful family there, son. It may not be conventional, but I couldn’t wish for anything better for you.”

Sonny felt his eyes well with tears, and patted his father’s back. He couldn’t wish for anything better either.

***

“I still gotted some glitter in my hair.” Marley pulled her nightshirt on. “Is that otay, Daddy?”

Sonny nodded. “It’ll come out eventually. We’ve done our best. I think we will all be finding glitter in strange places for awhile.”

“Tome here, Daddy,” she said, and he knelt next to her. She wiped a couple of pieces off of his face. “That’s better...uh oh! There’s more…”

“It’s okay, dolly,” he reassured her. “It’s gonna be a project.”

“I’m about to shave my chest,” Rafael said as he joined them in Marley’s room, adjusting the bottom of his tee shirt. “It’s everywhere. I can’t get it out.”

Marley looked troubled. “Are you gonna have to shave everything, Papi?” She glanced from Rafael to Sonny, biting her lip. “Are me an’ Daddy gonna have to shave too? Do we gotta cut all our hair off? Even my braids?”

Both men laughed. “No, princesa,” Rafael said, pulling back her covers for her to climb in. “I promise we won’t cut your braids off. Glitter may be sticky, but it won’t hurt.” 

Marley climbed in and pulled the blankets up around her. “Promise?”

“I do,” he said, sitting next to her on the bed. “So tell us, mija, what was your favorite part of today?”

Marlene picked up her bunny and began to squeeze it, a habit she had developed as a baby. “Hmm...I weally liked all the wainbows that matched my dress. They were so pretty! And the music and the glitter and all the people! Everyone was happy. An’ going to Grammy and Grampy’s was so fun too. Grampy’s burgers were so good!”

“Almost as good as our cake,” Sonny teased. He’d made himself comfortable in her beanbag chair, as he occasionally did on these nights.

“Uh-huh! But our wainbow cake was the bestest, wight Daddy? Even if we did lavender instead of purple?”

“You bet,” Sonny confirmed. “You worked hard with me on that cake, and it was delicious.”

“An’ my favorite thing of all the things? Know what it was, Papi?” Rafael shook his head no, and Marlene continued, green eyes wide with excitement. “It’s that everybody got to be proud and nobody said that mean word that hurt you, Papi! That was the best! I wove it when everybody is proud an’ happy!”

“I love that too, princesa,” he told her, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. “It was a wonderful pride fest. I’m so glad you had a good time.”

Marley snuggled down into her bed. “I did, Papi! I wove you! I wove you, Daddy,” she added as Sonny stood and kissed her cheek.

“Goodnight, dolly. We’ll see you in the morning.”

“Night, guys,” they heard follow them into the hallway, and they both grinned and headed to the bedroom. Once there, Sonny closed the door and locked it.

“Hey, hubby,” he teased his husband, “thanks for being proud of me.” He wrapped his arms around Rafael, “And for loving me for who I am.”

Rafael stood on his toes and kissed Sonny deeply, a kiss full of promise, and said, “You make it easy. And I’m just getting started, tonight.”

And he was.


End file.
